Great Expecting
by French Diamond Squirrel
Summary: A gripping tale of love, passion and birth...


Sailor M-Preg - Great Expectations  
  
It had started off as an ordinary day, but the silence was broken by Pip's shrieks of horror from the bathroom.  
  
"Oh, dear Lord!" Pip moaned, pitifully trying to raise himself from the floor. Herbert was by his side, trying to help him but to no avail.  
  
"Pip no matter what the situation, you should never say the Lord's name in vain," he admonished.  
  
Pip only gave a desperate groan in reply. By now Herbert was starting to worry. "Are you alright, love?" he asked.  
  
Pip looked up at Herbert from the floor. "Herbert," he said, grabbing onto the front of his shirt. "We need to go shopping, I won't be able to fit into these clothes any more.but maternity outfits are so uuugggglyyyy!" he wailed pathetically.  
  
"Pip," cried Herbert. "What are you trying to say?"  
  
Pip looked around at anything but Herbert. "Er.I mean to say.the thing is."  
  
"What is it?" Herbert asked, his eyes full of child-like confusion. "You know you can tell me anything. I love you."  
  
"Herbert, that's sort of the problem."  
  
Pip let out a forlorn sniff. "You don't find me attractive any more, do you?"  
  
Herbert took in Pip's appearance in a glance. He would never say it to Pip's face, but Herbert never thought that Pip was the most attractive guy around. I mean, honestly, look at his hair. But Herbert was always attracted to his personality. That counts, right? He looked at Pip, lying so forlornly on the bathroom floor between the pile of towels and the broken toilet  
  
"Of course I find you attractive, Pip," he replied, soothingly.  
  
Pip looked at him, critically. "No, you don't. You're just saying that. You don't love me enough to stay."  
  
"Why would I leave?"  
  
"Because of my condition."  
  
Herbert was now delightfully confused. Pip was acting strangely, most feminine-like, and now was complaining of a condition. What condition? Pregnancy? HA!  
  
"I would never leave you, really I wouldn't."  
  
"No matter what?"  
  
"No matter what." Herbert tried to smile in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.  
  
Pip bit his lip. "Even if what I told you sounded improbable and ridiculous?"  
  
Herbert sighed inwardly. "Pip," he said. "If this is about Joe's rather.enthusiastic meetings with the baker behind the shed, I already know. The whole town knows."  
  
Pip looked at him, shocked. "Really? Well, I guess Joe's fondness for dresses was a bit of a give away about his sexuality, but that's not it."  
  
"Oh." Herbert sighed. This really wasn't going away. "Well, what is it then? I don't see how it can be worse than the whole town knowing that your foster father is a gay transvestite blacksmith!"  
  
"I'm pregnant," Pip mumbled. His face was flushed and facing the floor.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"I'm pregnant."  
  
"I can't quite hear you."  
  
"I'M PREGNANT!"  
  
"Wha-" Herbert began. "Oooh, I see." He furrowed his brow in confusion. "If you don't mind me asking," he continued. "How does that happen? I mean, anatomically."  
  
"I don't know and I DON'T CARE!" Pip screeched. "ALL I KNOW IS THAT, SOMEHOW, I'M PREGNANT!" he rested his head, sobbing against the side of the broken toilet.  
  
"Hmmm." said Herbert, thoughtfully. "The violent mood swings.yes, it makes sense! You are pregnant!"  
  
"I know," Pip said, pitifully. He looked up at Herbert. "You're going to leave me now, aren't you?"  
  
"Of course not. Why would I do that?"  
  
"Because I am a freak. You're not pregnant, how come I am?"  
  
Herbert's eyes furrowed in thought. "Hmm, that's a hard one. I really don't know. Maybe I'm sterile."  
  
Pip rolled his eyes. "Yes, that's why I became pregnant from myself, idiot."  
  
Herbert blushed. Damn, Pip was right again.how could he get out of that stupid statement? Aha! Change the subject!  
  
"Well, Pip," he said, extending his arm to help his beloved, and pregnant, Pip from the floor. "Let's worry about that later.for now, we have shopping to do!"  
  
Nine months, three days, fourteen hours and twenty-two minutes later (not that Pip was counting, really), Pip entered the room, his now very swollen stomach protruding under his new blue floral maternity dress. "Like it, Herbie?" he squealed. "And I got matching shoes!"  
  
Herbert, sitting on the sofa, looked to the shoes, but was distracted by the large puddle by Pip's feet.  
  
"Uhh, Pip?" he asked, cautiously. "I thought we solved that bladder problem of yours."  
  
Pip looked down and nearly fainted. "It's time. You need to take me to the hospital."  
  
Herbert's eyes widened. "And tell them what? 'My pregnant boyfriend just went into labour, can you help us?'"  
  
Pip looked at Herbert, scared. "I don't know! But we have to do something!"  
  
Herbert grabbed Pip and led him towards the bedroom.  
  
Pip scrunched up his face in pain. "Dear Lord, help us!"  
  
~~~~~~ Sailor M-Preg's Head Quarters ~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The siren sounded, waking Serena form her blissful slumber. She shot up from the bed.  
  
"Wha-? What's happening?" she asked, blearily.  
  
The siren, which sounded like the screams of a newborn child, continued to wail.  
  
"Somebody needs my help!" she cried, realising what the siren meant, while leaping out of bed, melodramatically. Hurrying, she dressed herself in the white revealing outfit that all female Japanese anime characters seem to wear. She also put on her utility mid-wifing belt, which held, among other things, a pair of forceps, an umbilical cord cutter and her tamagotchi. Snookums couldn't go to long without his mummy, you know.  
  
Kicking down the door rather unnecessarily, Serena let out her familiar battle cry.  
  
"To the birthing mobile.and awaaaaaaaaay!"  
  
She ran down the hallway towards the pole, which she slid down to the 'mobile' area. Everyone was waiting for her there.  
  
Mina yawned. "So, who is it today?"  
  
The light was flashing on the board under m/m.  
  
"It's me!" Serena cried, running to her car and jumping in. she turned the key and the car spluttered. She turned it again and a great plume of gas erupted from the exhaust as the car rumbled to life. She pulled out of the garage.  
  
"Away I go!" she cried, driving to the scene.  
  
The hideously tacky baby stuck to the top of Sailor M-Preg's birthing mobile wobbled precariously as she violently turned a corner, almost striking down an impressive garden gnome collection as she did so.  
  
Inside the car, she switched on the radio, adding distraction to the challenge of driving in a relatively straight line.  
  
"Near, far, whereeeeeveer you aaaree," she sang, loudly. "Da da daaaa, something, something, my heart will go ooooooonnnnnnn!" Despite the fact that Metallica was playing on the radio.  
  
With another corner approaching, she spun the wheel, and the sudden movement proved to be too much for the giant plastic baby, which fell off, promptly crushing a hedge and half a fence.  
  
A stocky man ran out of his home, shaking his fist. "Damn you to hell, Sailor M-Preg!"  
  
Serena beamed. "I'm famous!"  
  
She ran up the curb, scraping the side of her car on the side of a telegraph pole, before parking and exiting her vehicle.  
  
"I'm here! No need to worry!" She grabbed her bag from her car and raced inside, hoping she wasn't too late.  
  
She kicked down the bedroom door, done well from practice, to reveal two men, Pip and Herbert.  
  
"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in our house?" Herbert demanded, standing up and towering over her. Well, not so much towering but looking eye to breast.  
  
"I am Sailor M-Preg and I am here to help deliver your child!" While she said this she struck a pose worthy of Superman and Spiderman combined, mixed with a little flair of her own as she whipped out her tools.  
  
There was a brief moment of silence as Sailor M-Preg laid out a pair of forceps, the umbilical cord cutter, her tamagotchi, a 'hello kitty' umbrella, a snorkel and lastly, a small blunt stick. Herbert stared down at the tools in bewilderment.  
  
"Why do you have an umbrella?"  
  
"For the blood spatters," she said, cheerfully. "Now, where is the daddy-to- be?"  
  
There was a shriek of pain from one of the bedrooms.  
  
"Ah, I see." Sailor M-Preg calmly marched to the bedroom door and peered in. Pip was curled up on the bed in the fetal position, making sounds that reminded her of a cat caught in a vacuum cleaner. "Hello, my name is Sailor M-Preg and I am here to deliver-" That was as far as she got.  
  
"Argh!"  
  
"-Your baby." She finished. Herbert hovered about in the doorway.  
  
"Will he be alright?" he asked with a guilty expression.  
  
"Yes, he'll be fine now that I'm here. Now then, are you in any pain?"  
  
"Arrrrgh!"  
  
"Hmmm. Perhaps we should move him to the lounge where he can prop up his feet."  
  
"Will it help the pain?" Herbert questioned.  
  
"No, but I can sit down to deliver the baby."  
  
After around fifteen minutes, several screams that broke the sound barrier, and the demolition of Herbert's medieval spork collection, Pip had been moved the ten meter distance from the bedroom to the living room. He was presently lying on the sofa, moaning pathetically and clutching a cushion to his chest.  
  
Sailor M-Preg, unable to find anything more comfortable, sat on a footstool, trying to ignore Herbert buzzing around her.  
  
"Is there anything I can do?" he wailed, wringing his hands.  
  
"Actually, yes," Serena responded, thoughtfully. "I'm hungry. Have you got any waffles?"  
  
Herbert, once again, gained his confused expression, something for which he was famous now. "Um, no.but you shouldn't be eating while you're helping Pip, should you?"  
  
Sailor M-Preg shrugged. "It can't hurt."  
  
She positioned Pip ready for the arduous job of pushing although how he could do this was beyond Herbert's comprehension, something that was so small he couldn't even comprehend the actual thought of a pocket pita.  
  
"So, how is he supposed to.er.you know.get it out?" Herbert asked, shifting on his feet.  
  
"Oh, he won't," she smiled. "He can't. I just think it is easier this way for the cutting."  
  
The wail that Pip let out was heard all the way down in Australia.  
  
"What was that, mate?" One guy asked his friend.  
  
"I dunno. A dingo?" his friend replied, shrugging.  
  
Sailor M-Preg sighed in exasperation.  
  
"Look, you've got tow choices. I give you a small slit in your tummy and you manually push it out, or I use my M-Preg powers."  
  
"M-Preg powers! M-PREG POWERS!" Pip gasped.  
  
"Oh." Sailor M-Preg looked slightly depressed. "But then all the irony of a man giving brith is lost! Oh well."  
  
At that moment, Hagrid popped his head through the window.  
  
" 'Ello, 'Arry!" He promptly disappeared, leaving a confused looking owl at the window.  
  
"That was strange," Sailor M-Preg muttered to herself. "But nevermind, I've got a baby to deliver!"  
  
She took her 'hello kitty' umbrella, opened it, and then quickly put on the snorkel.  
  
"Are you ready, Pip?" she asked, even thought she had never been formally introduced to him.  
  
"For the love of God! Just do it!" he shrieked.  
  
Sailor M-Preg climbed onto the coffee table, sending a dish full of peanuts flying across the room as she tripped rather ungracefully. Straightening up, she opened the umbrella over her head.  
  
"But that's bad luck!" Hebert cried.  
  
"Quiet you!" Sailor M-Preg said, swiftly kicking Herbert in the chest and causing him to fall over the discarded footstool. Holding up the umbrella, she cried out her transforming chant thing.  
  
"Moon birthing crystal rainbow sparkle cupcake codfish poweeeerr!"  
  
A great deal of light and shiny things came from the umbrella, causing Sailor M-Preg to spin in circles for quite sometime. Ten minutes later, Herbert had made coffee and he and Pip were now drinking it, watching as Sailor M-Preg spun, and the living room filled to knee depth with sequins.  
  
"How exactly is this supposed to help me?" Pip asked, sipping his coffee. Herbert shrugged, because this, like everything else, was beyond his thinking capacity.  
  
Suddenly, Sailor M-Preg stopped spinning, coming down and handing a hairy child to Pip. He looked up, surprised.  
  
"How did you do that?" he asked, baffled.  
  
Sailor M-Preg smiled and tapped her nose. "Now that would be telling, wouldn't it?"  
  
Herbert looked at the child and shuddered. "It is definitely from your side of the family." He looked closer. "Hang on. It has Joe's eyes!" He looked to Pip, questioning. Pip looked away.  
  
"Betrayer!" Herbert screamed. He ran to the door, passing Joe in his Sunday floral best.  
  
" 'Ello boys. Bye 'Erbert!" he smiled. He moved towards Pip. " 'Ey! That baby looks like me!"  
  
"Congratulations, Joe, you're a mother!" Pip beamed, slightly sad at Herbert's departure. "We shall call him.Harry Potter!"  
  
Joe wiped away a tear. "You're a wizard, 'Arry," Joe commented. Everyone looked at him, wondering what this had to do with anything.  
  
"That's brilliant!" A woman screamed. "I think I might write a book about it.how does this sound.'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'? He shall be a boy, rising to uncertain heights to attain an unachievable goal. He will be an uncertain hero. My uncertain hero!"  
  
"Pfft. Nothing special, reminds me too much of 'Lord of the Rings'," a blonde haired guy with freaky ears said, as he got onto his cave troll and rushed off to battle some orcs, with a certain greasy haired old dude.  
  
Pip held up his child, trying to see through the massive amounts of hair. "Um, could you do something about this.hair?"  
  
Sailor M-Preg perked up at her name. "Of course. Cover your noses!" She took off her snorkel and placed it in front of her mouth like a microphone and opened out her mouth. Out came the most horrendous sounding noise that had ever graced the earth. Dogs and cats wailed, car alarms went off and every window in a 5-kilometre radius smashed. But it did work. The sound was just too much and all the child's hair just fell to the ground, where it slithered under the sofa to hide.  
  
"I think we're safe," they said, sighing. But there are things that live in dark places, such as under the sofa, like lint. Evil lint. Nobody saw the hair again, even when Harry got his head caught under the sofa while looking for his bed.  
  
Sailor M-Preg left the happy family, her job done.  
  
As she walked out to the street to get into her car, she walked around broken fire hydrants spurting water, children running and jumping over the giants cracks that had appeared in the concrete, and the odd neighbour screaming obscenities at her.  
  
"First you crush my hedge and fence, now you have smashed all my windows!" the stocky man from before yelled. "I am taking you to hell, Sailor M-Preg, if it is the last thing I do!"  
  
"Ah," Sailor M-Preg sighed, smiling. "A job well done, if I do say so myself." 


End file.
